Dive for Cover
My foray into internet dating lasted a total of 34 hours.
It began innocently enough, a Sunday road trip with Daphne up to Ojai. Halfway through our ride Daphne asked me "what is your dream date?" I pondered for about a mile and came up with this "cowboy rancher, rough around the edges, with a softy cream filling. He would have an inquisitive side and has a wood shop where he would make hand made frames for my artwork". That sounds easy to find, especially in Los Angeles.
Two days ago, I repeated my dream date to my friend Julie. Julie has an MFA in media and a PhD in matchmaking. She pulled out her laptop and whipped up a bunch of "dudes" on a website that will remain unnamed.
"OH! Look at this one! And this one! This guy is perfect for you!"
With that push from Julie, I signed up on that site a few hours later.
Sunday 8 pm
"What's your pet peeves?"
Filling in a profile is like writing your resume, only you can put in the fact that you like cold Indian food for breakfast while you shower and it's cute rather than a job killer.
"What is your favorite movie?" Oh boy, how do I sound intelligent with the movies I've seen this year?
"What is your most humbling moment?" I wrote that I farted in yoga class. After 30 minutes of wrangling over what to write so that I didn't sound like a badger with a driver's license I hit "Upload".
Monday 8 pm
"I have all my own teeth"
The next day I was already on peoples' list and been viewed a few times. So I started to go shopping. Some were cute, some made me laugh. Then one stopped me in my tracks and made me not just sweat, but sweat in giant beads of glistening gobs of nervous sweat - it was my instructor from my college days. I thought he was in a long term relationship, or so I had heard.
"OMG!" I screamed into the phone to Julie, "he's on here! OMG! Now he'll see me!"
"Relax, he's on there, you're on there, so what's the problem?" said Julie in a soft comforting raspy whisper, she was still working out a pound of dander from her trip to the animal sanctuary.
I calmed down and went through more profiles. Finally I shut it down and went to read in bed.
That night I had the worst and weirdest dream to date. I was running to a meeting in a ball gown through a mall - I floated like a princess. I had to find a phone for my meeting (oddly enough my real job involves numerous phone conferences everyday), no matter what I did I couldn't get the phone number right. There was a man next to me, he looked like Mr. Toad from The Wind in the Willows . He took me home and my ball gown was covered in goo that magically appeared the same time he did. I woke up in bed with him and covered in giant warts, and at that moment I noticed a giant wart on his head. His sister at the breakfast table said "oh we get those all the time, just don't eat beans". My date croaked out a chuckle.
After I woke up I had to shake my head and clear out the bits of fuzz. And I did a body check for warts.
Tuesday 6:00 am
"o_0"
I make the cross-house walk and turned on my computer for an early am phone conference at 6:30am. In my email I see an alert that someone sent me a message from the dating site. I click on it and see the profile....it's a guy I dated 14 years ago. I leapt back from my keyboard. I went and turned off my profile. Either he knew who I was and played coy or he was loosing his marbles and completely forgot who I was (some men that I have dated have experienced Chongnesima).
As we get older our network grows, and there is a high statistical chance you will run into someone you know wherever you go off and online. The pool gets smaller and more crowded with floating people in inner tubes all jostling for another inner tube to pair off with.
I stuck my big toe into the dating pool and barely wedged it in. I guess there isn't enough room for me right now, I will just look for a less crowded pool or just maybe be happy not to swim for a while. But if you do know of a "cowboy rancher" with wood working skills, I am open for business.
Image: Ophelia Chong / Quilt
