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Lose Weight With Your Own Personal Stomach Pump

Scale | Photo: puuikibeach/Flickr/Creative Commons License

Losing weight is, really, one of the simplest things in the world.

Unless you have a medical condition like, say, a thyroid deficiency plaguing your system, weight loss is simply a matter of grade school-level arithmetic: You want to subtract more calories than you're adding to your system. The concept isn't rocket science. The ability to execute it, though, that's where the difficulty comes in.

You have to constantly watch what you eat, which generally means watching other people enjoy their meals while you're sucking on ice chips to keep yourself sane before indulging in that night's dinner of an eight-ounce green smoothie. It also means stopping at the gym for an hour after work to get in some aerobics or work on the treadmill. But that's the last thing you want to do after spending all day finishing off those reports while your boss breathed fire down your neck about forgetting to carry that oh-so-vital one on the end-of-year sales analysis. And on top of that, your daughter refuses to finish her homework, your son's acting like a jerk, you have to make sure their lunches are ready for tomorrow, and God forbid you want to settle down for 22 minutes before bed to watch the latest "Parks & Rec."

The point is, the weight loss industry rakes in an average of $20 billion dollars a year not because they're offering solutions to losing weight, but because they are offering shortcuts to save time. Sometimes, that takes the form of simple-to-follow diet instructions. Other times, it's a vitamin-packed shake that helps stifle your hunger pangs throughout the day. But those methods are nothing compared to this new offering by Pennsylvanian company Aspire Bariatrics LLC, which has been (arguably and rightfully) deemed the "grossest weight loss method ever:"

A personal stomach pump.

The device works like so: Doctors insert a tube that connects the patient's stomach to the outside. The patient then goes about their lives in a normal way, eating whatever they want, whenever they want. But if, say, the patient wants a little relief from their gastric system, wants to dump off a little of that dessert they probably shouldn't have indulged in, they simply open up a valve and drain "up to 30 percent of their meal" after eating. Some more deets:

The patent application details the experience of one 220-pound middle aged woman, who lost about 85 pounds in 59 weeks. Each day after breakfast and lunch, she quickly downed 52 oz. of water. She then uncapped the external end of the stomach tube, connected a syringe, and was able to extract the partially digested food into a bucket.

They couldn't have used a less disgusting, more medically-appropriate word than "bucket" when filling out the patent? Oh, also, if you're thinking about using this device, beware of the following foods:

Among the foods likely to cause a clog: cauliflower, broccoli, Chinese food, stir fry, snow peas, pretzels, chips, and steak.

You can see why this gets that "grossest weight loss method ever" moniker now, right?

Now what makes this device an abomination, and why it's getting so harassed throughout the Internets, isn't because of the technology itself. People with digestive problems have long had to utilize a feeding tube in order to eat their meals. But, in those cases, the patients are using the tube in order to obtain life-giving nutrition as opposed to simply wanting to lose a few extra pounds by (*gag reflex kicking in here*) draining their stomach.

In any case, the patent is still pending on this contraption. Maybe it's best, clerks in the patent office, to simply place this one into the ol' circular file cabinet, ifyaknowwhatImean!

(I mean garbage can. Throw it in the garbage can.)

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