Mulholland Land


Tomorrow night Los Angeles begins 53 hours of possible gridlock, and like hurricanes it even has its own name, "Carmageddon." The event involves 10 miles of the 405 from the 10 to the 110 to be closed so that the Mulholland Drive Bridge can be torn down in preparation for a new seismic bridge while adding a northbound carpool lane.

I have a better idea, that will spare Los Angeles the stress of a shut down and put some extra money into its coffers.

California is the home of the original theme park, Disneyland and to its spawn, Magic Mountain Six Flags, Knott's Berry Farm, Legoland, Seaworld, and countless traveling carnivals that settle in church parking lots every weekend. What draws people to these theme parks are the thrill rides-from ferris wheels to loop-de-lopps to roller coasters.

Story continues below

Why not use the theme park ride idea to replace the Mulholland Drive Bridge?

The GettyPult
Drive your car into the catapult bowl, strap yourself in and your car will be launched across the 405. Not only is this fun for the kids, its a great way to see the valley and the southbay as you are propelled over the freeway.

The Thelma And Louise
Rev your car and hit the gas, as you near the edge your car will go up a ramp and launch into the air; as you slowly glide over the 405, you will have time to tweet a photo of the traffic below.

Over the 405 in 80 Seconds
A large hot air balloon is attached to your roof rack and you will be gently guided to the other side by soft ocean breezes, unless there is a Santa Ana Wind you could end up in the northern Channel Islands.

The Rodeo Lasso Rope Pull
Drive up, grab the rope and hang on. The only drawback to this idea is if you don't let go in time, you could end up going back to the side you started on.

The Valley-et
Hand your keys over and your car will be driven across the 405 while you take a deluxe gondola ride over the 405. No validations accepted.

The Tow-O-Away
Park under the faux "Tow Away" sign and go for a coffee at our snack bar. Come back to a "note" that your car has been towed across the freeway. Then get onto the Star Map bus to claim your car after a 3 hour tour of celebrity homes.

The Breaking News Car-o-Rama-Chase
Sit back and relax as one of our "faux felons" takes the wheel and speeds on surface roads while a helicopter above films a souvenir video of you waving from the passenger side window. After 3 hours and numerous moving violations later you will be placed safely on the other side. (Our drivers work hard, please tip as a way of thanking them).

The Driver's Ed
Got time on your hands? Not in a rush to get across town? Then the Driver's Ed is for you. Our friendly driving instructors will get into your car and put you through your paces as you slowly make your way over the Sepulveda Pass. You will be making frequent stops to practice your parallel parking and making complete stops at every stop sign. At the end of the ride, you will get a certificate of completion and a discount coupon for an oil change.

The Screamin' Low Flush
Be warned this is a wet ride. Please roll your windows up as your car is loaded onto a giant log. You and your car will then take the journey across the 405 in a wild flume of rushing water from the Sierras. Don't close your eyes or you will miss the historical dioramas of Encino and Ventura Blvd. As you splash down into a giant kidney shaped pool, you can opt for the hand wash and wax.

However fun my ideas seem, they aren't as viable or as beneficial to the city of Los Angeles as the new and improved Mulholland Drive Bridge. But a girl can dream.

Image: Ophelia Chong / 405 collage

We are dedicated to providing you with articles like this one. Show your support with a tax-deductible contribution to KCET. After all, public media is meant for the public. It belongs to all of us.

Keep Reading