Rush's Inferno
Rush's Inferno: Going Down With America's Anchorman.
Yesterday Rush Limbaugh managed to shock us by belittling the tragedy that struck the people of Japan.
What he said is classic Rush Limbaugh, classic shock jock verbiage that caters to a group of listeners that see humor in tragic and catastrophic events. I could write a rebuttal or an outraged commentary, but what is the point? It's not it that hasn't been done already a million times over (and better).
So as I sit here in front of my computer, my mind wanders to Dante Alighieri's Inferno; in his epic poem Dante's Inferno, Dante had to travel through the nine circles of Hell. What if Rush Limbaugh was my guide to Hell?
Rush's Inferno
I stood infront of the elevator door, stabbing the Down button with my index finger like a bully poking a victim. I was strangely impatient to see Hell.
I tap my foot as I look at the posters next to the elevator; "Hell Means Saying You're Sorry Forever" and "Hell: It is what it is". I wait what feels like an eternity for the elevator to arrive, as I was tagging the posters, the doors open. A puff of burning rubber and cigar smoke escape and wrap around me like a polyester Snuggie.
The man standing inside the elevator held the doors open for me; he motioned with a jerk of his large head, signaling me to step inside. The lights flickered and gave the man's face a shade of mottled old apples; the lights made him squint his small eyes, sinking them even further into his meaty face - I squeeze myself into the tiny elevator and notice that in the corner was a Senator, some Reality show actor and my electrician.
The doors shut with a thud and the elevator croaked and clanged to life. The rotund man in the red suit with a badge reading "America's Elevator Operator" turned to us and with a deep baritone that seemed to come from a dank basement corner said "Going down."
We all avoid each other's eyes by looking up at the nine blinking lights above the door. And of course the music playing in the elevator was an acoustic version of Black Eye Pea's "Pump It".
The elevator operator called off each passing floor as though we had a choice of getting off before Hell. He was more talkative than most elevator operators, the Senator whispered in my ear that the man would never shut up either when he was alive.
Going Down
"Limbo"
"Limbo, got to love it. No matter what I did, I just coasted through, I was untouchable; I am Rush Limbo."
"Lust"
"Whoa. Lust is what drives me, the lust for the power of not having to answer for what I had done. I had a Get Out of Jail card that never expired."
"Gluttony"
"Look at me, I am the poster boy of Gluttony. Having something is nothing until you have it all."
"Greed"
"It wasn't about money or accumulating stuff, it was my need to shock, which was matched only by my need for the sound of their boo-hooing. "
"Wrath"
"I didn't get mad, I didn't get even, what I did was to laugh at other peoples' suffering. And the funny thing is, a lot of people laughed with me."
"Heresy"
"Hey, what was true to them became lies to me, it's just a matter of of opinion and how loud you say it. Right?"
"Violence"
" I am only guilty of abusing the English language".
"Fraud"
"I prefer "Trickster".
"Treachery"
"It's only an act of treason when it's against me.Yeah I just said that."
The elevator jerked up and then bounced to a stop. The elevator operator threw his bulk against the grate and pulled opened the doors. Heat poured in and the smell of desperation and corndogs wafted over us. "Well, here we are! HELL!" brayed the elevator operator. As we stepped out, Ann Coulter handed us t-shirts with the word "Ditto" printed on them; it was at this point I started screaming, until I spotted the Food Court that looked exactly like the one at Glendale Galleria. I got into the long line at Panda Express, and thought "This is going to take forever."
Image: Going Down by Ophelia Chong
