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The Asian Hordes Say 'Hey' to the UCLA Blonde on a Yellow Post-it

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From: Asian Hordes
To: Alexandra Wallace
Re: Going Full Yellow

Hey Alexandra,

How are you doing? Its us, the Asian Hordes. We watched the video and agreed with you on part of it, but the imitation of us on the cell phones was terrible. Yes we agree with you that we talk really loud, but with over 800 million cell phones in China*, we have to do a near scream just to hear each other; like, when was the last time you watched Jackie Chan whisper in a movie? Right?

No offense but we were really put out by your impersonation of us Asians; if you are going to make fun of us, at least do it right; at least go full Yellow. A half hearted try is just that, half hearted. You wouldn't hand in half a paper on the Economics of Recession Friendly Fashion, would you? No, not you Alexandra Wallace. You would add the full sparkle to the cover and the tear pages from Lucky and Allure. Even Miley Cyrus went full Yellow and she was only 16!

Here's how you do it:
1. Tape the eyes back. Since you are using your right hand to pretend "Cell phone," you can't do it full justice with just your left hand.

2. When you say "Ching chong ling long ting tong", practice a few times in the mirror. Feel the Asianess, feel the full "Ching Chong", Blake Lively didn't get to where she is now by looks alone.

3. Buck your teeth out. Its required. Think "Charlie Chan".

4. Since we all look alike, no need to differentiate your impersonation by geographic location or ethnicity.

5. Wear the "Wong Brothers Laundry Service -- Two Wongs Can Make It White" tshirt from Abercrombie and Fitch, it might be more coverage than you are used to, but it makes more of an impact.

6. To get you in the right state of mind, use this as your mantra: "Why are there so dang many of them?"

And yes we do out number you at UCLA, according to UCLA admissions there are 5,039 freshman Asian Americans (42.9 percent) and 3,702 whites/Caucasians (31.5 percent) for the 2010 Fall admissions. We owe it all to our "Tiger Mothers" and she made sure we aced our SATs. She's the one taking up all the dryers right now in the apartment (sorry).

There are 291 international students for 2010, of those we couldn't tell you where they are from, but I bet all 291 of them are the ones yakking it up in the library next to you. Because it couldn't possibly be the 5,039 American Asians, they know how to use their "American Manners".

Eventually all this attention will die down and the internet will move onto the next video of someone saying or doing something that will be offensive and/or racist; but don't you worry Alexandra you will always be available through Google search for time infinitum. We won't let you fade away like a pair of denim jeggings.

Eventually after you graduate you will work with at least one of us and we will say "Hey aren't you the 'Ching Chong' co-ed?".

We can't wait to talk really loud in the cubicle next to you. Just sayin'.

Your's Truly,

Asian Hordes

P.S. BTW next time you are on campus, go over and check out the Terasaki Life Sciences Building, it was built in part of a donation of $50 Million by Paul Terasaki, a professor emeritus of surgery and pioneer in organ transplant medicine. He's Japanese.

*Number of cell phones by country

Follow-up: "While we were appalled and offended by the sentiments expressed in the video, we have uncovered no facts to lead us to believe the student code of conduct was violated. The campus has no intention of pursuing the matter further," UCLA spokesman Phil Hampton said in a telephone interview Friday (LATimes)- March 18, 2011 12:40 PM

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